My world outside this blog is much different. My interactions are either professional in a work environment, Very silly or almost entertaining as a social construct in stranger interactions. or with the very few people I actually interact with, very analytical and accommodating in either providing them insight on issues or events in the word or assisting them in other ways to make their world better. I just do NOT share much about ME.
There are times I feel melancholy, sad, frustrated with the world or events or maybe even my work but I do not ask for help or assistance or share those feeling anymore since T’s mom and I ended. Even then I was never able to accept compliments well or even let anyone take care of me when I was sick or sad or even asking for a ride home from the auto dealership when my car was in for service. I just did what I was told to do and sucked it up and did what needed to be done by myself.
Yet starting with your imposter, I began opening up. Even when I found out you were not her or visa versa, I “transferred” the ability to share to you. It just felt right or OK to do it, as I had foolishly done it when I was still unaware of ho was who. Even now at least this blog, whether read or not, sometimes allows me to “share” parts of my life that I do not do anywhere else. I am anonymous, except for those you may have told who have long ago lost interest in who or what I am.
I never wavered once I know the truth of your identity in believing you to be not just special but unique. When you appeared to be down in your social media posts or your lack thereof I wanted you to know that a complete stranger actually believed in you and that special quality I called you as they say in French that “je ne sais quoi” or that certain something , something. (Guess that’s where that expression getting some of that good good may have originated..lol)
Several years ago you said people cannot KNOW anyone from social media… I disagreed then and I still disagree now in that a fundamental understanding of people can be clearly inferred from their social postings. Over time you can see how postings change and understand that “Occupational” constraints may in fact hinder some abilities to post certain things. For example your Social Conscious as well as political awareness are devoid in your postings when you formally launched you business with your partner and when you left the place of employment you had when we “met”. And when your heart was bruised again your walls went back up and there was a time of sadness.
But then again I am not just a casual follower. That “transferral” led me to stay with you as did my belief that you could use a stranger who was not interested in getting naked with you as much as he was sincerely interested in seeing you develop you potential postings.
A few weeks back I was contacted by someone who had read this blog and confessed they put their name in place of your . It was a down time for her and she had appreciated the feeling of being uplifted. I responded to her and told her that I wa catfished and that this was not a place where you and I had made any connection. What she responded with haunts me a little. She was saddened by my response. The illusion of this blog had been such a powerful uplifting that the truth became a sadness. I wrote back to her saying that each and every person is special and unique in their own way and that I was certain she was more than she was believing in herself at the time. I never told her who I really was but my first name… and never exchanged any other e-mails.
I love hearing from people how this blog makes them feel. but in this once instance I came to realize how sad it can make someone knowing the truth behind the inspiration I have tried to bring to you is actually a loneliness that I have for doing it alone.
You posted a while back how you are too busy to talk on the phone. You wanted quick texts if there was nothing to “talk” about and how you are too busy in life for idle chit-chat. I understood in some ways. A woman who is rising up in her world and trying to keep a business afloat in an area she loves and a professional job like the one you have that challenges you and make it a busy time. And then I see you enjoying the sun and I am happy for you to find that private peaceful time.
I was sorting papers the other day and came across you telephone number. I wrote to you about a year or so ago how you had mistakenly posted it to public view and should remove it which you did . I have never called you.. but I was tempted to the other day. One day I still would like to sit and talk with you… but that is just a wish.
Yes, Kiddo, I have watched from afar these several years as you have come a long way as you approach the end of your 3rd decade on this earth… but then I wondered if you were taking the time to smell the roses along the way. If you were engaging in some non work related discourse with people. If you had become myopic and so focused that maybe you are missing the world around you. But sometimes I read into things that may not be true. and sometimes I see behind the scrim and the forelight that hides the shadow behind it until the fresnel lanterns and leko lights dim . Sort of what takes place in the darkness of the strobe light and the ghost lamp at the back of a stage illuminates the figures as shadows upon the scrim… the detail is missing but the action can be discerned in 2 dimensions.
Some would say I have no right to care…. and they may be right. Others would say I am a stalker or “creeper” but they would be wrong. I care for many strangers I encounter in my life, from all walks of life. be it in big ways or small I lend myself to many who I will never see again or meet in the balance of my life. that is how I am and I hope I will never change.
I started this post wanting to tell you so much of current events on my life. The most significant makes me look like that muscle-bound Popeye the Sailor Man .. Seems I ruptured the bicep tendon in my right arm .. what is referred to as a long head rupture. I popped off my shoulder bone.. I literally felt it pop. I was advised by 2 surgeons NOT to have surgery as most people who do have lingering pain and discomfort and there is a 6 months recovery time ( I do not have time for that) . They tell me the pain in my bicep and elbow and other parts of my arm will eventually diminish and even go away but the muscle slid down the tendon and popped up like Popeye or some weight (which I am NOT). Inconvenient given I am right-handed, and have to take care of T. And even more so as my mother moved into a retirement complex as her Alzheimer’s is getting worse and she will need assisted living soon. but that meant my siblings picked over my mother’s house and sent me a 17 foot POD filled to the roof and packed to the door with STUFF. Christmas, Easter, my baby clothes even my football helmet from when I was 6 or so… and 70% clothes (almost half that still have price tags on them) and were never worn dating back into the 50’s 60’s and all the way to the present including not less than 300 pairs of shoes and over 100 pocketbooks.
I was going to teach my daughter T about enterprise and run yard sales for a few weeks.. but I cannot lift any of the boxes yet and my house is now like the pod.. going down the hall I have not less than 40 varying sizes and shapes of Tupperware containers of stuff of every description I may donate them to some theatre groups for period clothing, good will, or churches in the area.. it is way too much for any one location to take in and deal with.. but I would still like T to learn about selling things and having her own money . she may suffer from Autism but that does not mean she cannot lean and benefit from the activity.
My business plan for the Hydrogen canisters has finally gelled and if I may be so bold to say it is truly elegant … in all my years of developing plans for this and this one evolving over 15 years no.. this is my finest work. the only problem I have is getting the automotive company or companies to agree to dimensions as this will require a one size fits all and each canister will take a vehicle 150+ miles with 4-6 canisters per vehicle. But that I will figure out soon enough. If (WHEN ) it works out I would love to celebrate in your town…. but until then I have sufficient duties and responsibilities to keep me busy.
Take care of yourself Joey. I still believe in you and always will and hope you benefit from some of my postings over the years.
What would a good long post be without a MEME or 2…
1/ You know you got it:
2/ I do not create like you do.. but I do create in my own way.
You will ALWAYS have haters. Those that will try to tear you down because they are not happy you are succeeding when they are not. Never consider me one of those: